My true John Mayer story

What happened next was crazy

It was a Friday night in October of 2023, and I needed a few blurbs for my book, A Paper Orchestra. John Mayer happens to follow me on Instagram which is weird enough.

So I ask Cynthia, do you think I should reach out to John Mayer?

She goes, "Of course you should!"

But I'm nervous. What do I say? I'm like a 13 year old girl, all giddy and shit.

"Just be honest."

"Good idea! I don't know why my mind went straight to kidnapping his dog and sending a photo of a gun to its head. We gotta take his dog back in the morning."

So I slide into his DM's… nice and easy… and in my coolest, most nonchalant voice I say:

"Hey John Mayer. You follow me on Instagram and I was hoping you'd be kind enough to blurb my book. I know you grew up in Fairfield, CT and that's where my mom lives. So if you ever need a ride from the train station, she could probably pick you up."

I hit send.

Five minutes later -- no joke, five minutes later -- he DM's me.

"I'd love to! I just finished a concert and I'm heading back to my hotel. I'll read it on the way."

Holy shit!

My book is a collection of true short stories. Which story should I send? Should it be funny? Should it be sad? Now I'm picking out dresses for the dance and I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WEAR!

"Send him The Ghoul," says Cynthia.

"Good idea! Wait… You don't think that story makes me look fat, do you?"

So I send him The Ghoul. It was a really difficult story to write. Funny but heartbreaking. I can't even read it without crying.

A half hour later, he writes back.

"It's fantastic! It's multi-timbral. It runs all levels of the pyramid at the same time. Your knockout punches are stinging sincerity."

Cynthia was holding smelling salts under my nose when I came to.

Is that not the most John Mayer thing ever said? It's amazing how he captured his voice perfectly!

Anyway, John Mayer and I spent the next hour and half, DMing each other on Instagram, talking about art. How do you make art? What's the promise of art?

I ask him, "What do you do when you run out of things to write about?"

He types back, "I write about the moments in between the moments."

"Yes! That's it! That's exactly right!" I type.

I ask him, "How do you know when you're done with a song? How do you know when it's time to stop tweaking it?"

He says, "It's as good as it was the time you felt best about it."

(Brilliant. I wrote that on a post-it and stuck it to my computer.)

It's now midnight in LA, which means it's even later wherever he is. But he's a rock star so he doesn't go to bed until the sun goes up. I tuck myself in at 9:30 pm after rubbing lotion on my feet and jamming my thumb in my mouth.

Cynthia is like, "Are you still flirting with your boyfriend?"

"Yes, now shut up!"

The night goes on, and I'm asking John Mayer about his process, and then… he asks me about my process.

"Why the fuck is John Mayer asking about MY process?"

"Because he admires your work!" Cynthia responds.

The whole thing was surreal.

We spoke for another half hour. All I can say is, the man is super-talented and a true artist. But more than anything, he was incredibly gracious to make feel worthy enough to even have this conversation with him.

What a gift he gave me.

In fact, John Mayer's reaction to The Ghoul is one of the reasons why I perform it in my solo show.

If he says it's "multi-timbral and runs all levels of the pyramid" then it does!

If you're in Los Angeles, I've got 5 shows in June at the Hollywood Fringe. Then in August, we're performing it at the Edinburgh Fringe in Scotland.

I hope you can make it!

-Michael

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